June is Men’s Health Month.
Each year we are reminded of the importance of exercise, healthy eating, cancer screenings, blood pressure checks, and regular medical care. These are all important. Men continue to die younger than women and experience higher rates of many serious health problems.
But what if one of the most powerful interventions for men’s health costs nothing? What if one of the most important factors affecting men’s health is something we rarely discuss?
What if it is simply being seen?
Not being noticed for what a man produces. Not being valued for what he provides. Not being appreciated only when something breaks and needs fixing. But being seen as a human being whose wellbeing matters in its own right.
Many men grow up absorbing a simple message:
Provide. Protect. Perform. Work hard. Solve problems. Take care of others.
These expectations are not entirely negative. In many ways, they help create responsible fathers, dependable husbands, loyal friends, and productive citizens. The willingness of men to shoulder responsibility has helped build families, communities, and nations.
Yet there is a hidden danger when a man begins to believe that his worth depends entirely on his usefulness.
Over the years, I have sat with countless men who felt valued for what they provided but rarely valued simply for who they were. They were appreciated when they solved problems, earned a paycheck, fixed something that was broken, or carried a burden that others preferred not to carry. Yet many struggled to believe that they mattered apart from those contributions.
One of the healthiest messages a man can hear is this:
You have value not only in your doing, but in your being.
Your worth is not limited to what you produce, provide, fix, earn, or accomplish. You matter because you are a human being. Simple as that.
Ironically, when men lose sight of this truth, the very qualities that make them valuable to others can begin to damage their health. The man who prides himself on being dependable postpones medical care. The man who always puts others first quietly moves himself to the bottom of his own list of priorities. The man who never wants to be a burden carries struggles alone long after he should have asked for help.
Over time, this pattern can become dangerous. Many men delay seeking help, ignore symptoms, and continue carrying burdens long after they should have asked for assistance. Not because they are foolish or incapable of expressing emotion, but because responsibility has become so central to their identity that caring for themselves begins to feel selfish.
The irony is that many of the qualities we most admire in men can also become health risks: duty, sacrifice, persistence, self-reliance, and endurance. These qualities build strong families and strong communities. Yet when taken too far, they can contribute to burnout, isolation, chronic stress, and declining health.
This is one reason loneliness has emerged as such an important public health concern.
When people think about men’s health, they often imagine heart disease, cancer, or diabetes. Far fewer think about loneliness. Yet loneliness affects physical health, emotional wellbeing, sleep, stress levels, and even longevity.
A man can be surrounded by people and still feel unseen. He can be appreciated for what he does while feeling invisible for who he is. He can spend years helping others while quietly wondering whether anyone would notice if he needed help himself.
As a therapist, I have often been struck by how many men carry tremendous responsibility while receiving very little emotional support. They are expected to be strong, yet even the strongest men are strengthened when someone recognizes that they are valued not only for what they do, but for who they are.
The encouraging news is that offering this kind of support does not require special training, expensive programs, or professional expertise. Some of the most powerful interventions are available to all of us.
A phone call. A conversation. An invitation. A friendship. A community group. A neighbor who checks in. A son who asks his father how he is really doing. A wife who notices her husband’s burdens. A friend who reaches out after a divorce, a job loss, or the death of a loved one.
These moments may seem small, but they communicate something profoundly important:
You matter.
Not because of what you provide. Not because of what you accomplish. Not because of what you can do for others. You matter because you are a human being.
During Men’s Health Month, we should certainly encourage men to exercise, eat well, get checkups, and take care of their bodies. But perhaps we should also remember something equally important.
People thrive when they feel seen. People thrive when they feel valued. People thrive when they feel connected.
And sometimes the best intervention for men’s health is simply helping men know that their wellbeing matters too.
So here is a simple challenge.
Today, let a man in your life know that you value him for more than what he does. Not simply for the paycheck he earns, the problems he solves, or the responsibilities he carries.
Let him know that his presence matters. That his life matters. That he matters.
You may never fully know the impact of those few words. But for some men, hearing them may be far more powerful than you imagine.
Men Are Good.
I clearly note your points Tom, but you might take note of mine. A few years ago, The American Psychological Association published its Practice Guidelines for Men and Boys. This was intended to provide helpful directions for practitioners when seeing male patients. However, these guidelines were disparaging of men and boys and clearly sought to impose progressive gender norms rather than remaining focused on clinical wellness and empathy. Rather than approaches to understanding men's issues in therapy and how they differ from those of women, the guidelines declared traditional masculinity a mental illness, for example. In my view, this hostile evidence along with the fact that every G.P. and every therapist in my area is a woman should make one very careful about speaking honestly to a doctor or psychologist or a marriage counselor while guilty of being a man.
You've nailed a crucial point Tom, except that you omitted to mention the link to male suicide. If you internalise the belief that your only value lies in what you achieve or do for others, as I did, then there is nothing to fall back on when you fail at something in life. This is especially the case for men with adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), because ACEs tend to destroy a person's sense of self-worth (unfortunately some adverse childhood experiences are still not even recognised as ACEs). I tried to explain this simple point to a suicide prevention forum more than a decade ago and was met with a complete lack of comprehension, like I was addressing a flock of sheep.
It's all well and good encouraging men to talk, but if they talk and nobody is listening or cares enough to help, then what is the value in them talking? The truth is that talking is a doube-edged sword. It was the realisation that nobody cared enough to help me when I did reach out for help that was the final straw that resolved me to kill myself. I calculated and ingested twice the lethal dose of sodium cyanide and would have died if it wasn't for the most improbable of coincidences.
The fascinating thing is that nobody in the suicide prevention industry (and it is an industry) has ever expressed any curiosity about what I learned from the experience. I don't think their programming equips them to deal with men.