Women are often the heartbeat of the social side of Christmas — the cards, the gatherings, the baking, the presents, the details that make everything glow.
My brother - my last remaining sibling - died just before Thanksgiving. A lifelong smoker, his decline was slow but steady, and as a physician, I watched his decline over the past few years and knew very well the pattern - glide down, then crash and burn.
After retirement I had kept my medical license current - through the myriad of courses required to maintain licensure - quite a task! When asked why, I always responded that it was so I could protect my family and friends from my colleagues, not completely said in jest. Numerous times judicious "doctor-to-doctor" phone calls lit up the wires, and with maybe a little help from He Who Cannot Be Named these days, brother Bob staggered forward to the next crisis.
Death, of course, is not the enemy; it comes to us all, but the greatest lesson I learned in forty years of practice was that it is loss of dignity that is old people's greatest fear. As I watched his heart struggle to pump blood through his burned-out lungs - eventually failing - I made certain that his dignity was maintained; I fielded many late-night calls from his children - one of whom, to her everlasting credit, left her home every evening to cook him supper, checked on him, carried him to doctors' appointments, but always maintained his dignity.
It will be a sad Christmas this year, but as I've watched my family shrink - six deaths now; I'm the last leaf on the tree - there have been many other sad holidays, but a short note from my niece made it a little better: "Uncle Jim, I can't thank you enough for your advice and counsel over the years with Dad. He loved you so much. I don't know what we would have done without you."
Yes, Darling, I loved him, too. But I also carried a burden you never saw - that of being the man of the family - the "patriarch," to quote the feminists - who stayed calm and carried on. Not a job I ever wanted, but that's what men do - when a job falls to him, he simply does it. Just be glad you had daughters.
Indeed James, you have been that structure that quietly braces and supports. Thanks for posting this. It is something that is often missed and overlooked. Well done.
And most importantly...the purpose of the holiday...the reasons for its existence was the birth of God who chose to come to Earth...as a MAN...not as a woman.
💯 and well said. Men don't need drama, or to be the center of attention. Most men are uncomfortable with such and don't want it.
All we require is a little peace and quiet. Perhaps somekind of acknowledgement, and respect for our supporting role and contribution, which is true all year round, not just at Christmas and other occasions. Not that many of us get it. Merry Christmas may God bless, guide and protect you all.
I was on a new podcast called "Monogamish," in which we closed with a discussion on how feminism 'rekt" Christmas. After my dad passed away in 1982, that was the end of our family. I was 21 years old. It's so true that his presence held the family together in ways that wouldn't be apparent until he was gone. My mother moved away, one sibling became a Jehovah's Witness, one's got serious issues -- and mom didn't bother holding it together either. In other words, chaos ensued where there used to be order.
I can probably count on one hand how many times I've celebrated Christmas (thanks feminism! since 1982...)
Death of a father when we are young is a very difficult loss. A book was written about this years ago by Maxine Harris titled "The Loss that is Forever." Sadly true title.
>"When I worked as a therapist with the bereaved, I saw this again and again after a father’s death. Families would describe a subtle shift — not just grief, but a loss of containment. Without dad, things felt looser, more chaotic, less certain. The house might look the same, but the emotional gravity had changed. What they were missing was that quiet, stabilizing force men bring — the invisible boundary that holds the family together without needing to be named."
That is exactly how I feel about what happened when my father died.
Beautiful and moving, Tom, a splendid Christmas gift to your readers. Thank you for it and for a year of exciting and encouraging--and brave--writing. Merry Christmas!
Thank you Allen. I do appreciate your presence here and have also enjoyed your substack. It has opened my eyes to a number of things about masculinity and also about literature. Merry Christmas!
Men tend to be extremists. They either bring calm and charm to Christmas or chaos and confusion. In either role they are essential. Forget the comic or not so comic overbearing drunken Father, they are generally a rare species. What I have found is that your first Christmas without your important male family member is so very hard. Husbands, fathers, brothers, uncles and just male family/friends. There are huge holes where we expect them to be. Cherish your men whilst you have them. I made a joke in the supermarket the other day when an elderly lady was struggling with a mountain of Shopping “You need a man” I said and several ladies nearby said. “We all need one at the moment” It’s not always the big things that men bring simply by being there but the less noticed things like the help and care that we women take so easily for granted.
What percent of men do you think bring chaos vs those who bring calm? Your sentence seems to imply that a good portion of men are extremists? Is that what you meant?
Couldn't we also say that "Women tend to be extremists, some bring love and nurturing and others bring chaos and abrasive judgment." ?? I bet that wouldn't fly well for most people....
This was a fantastic laugh this holiday, thank you so much! Cooking, decorating and gift purchasing. But please father bring us that required firewood everyone needs.
Bettina Arndt mentioned “He’s part of an organisation called Kilo4Delta which has ambitious plans for change, including a malicious prosecution class action” an email was sent out by Lucas Cattell and we have 23 days left to sign these petitions. It says that you must be an Australian citizen or Resident.
🔴 APPROVED FEDERAL PETITIONS — OPEN NOW
1️⃣ Stop Suicide-Causing Abuse
Calling for national laws to address prolonged psychological abuse that foreseeably leads to suicide or self-harm.
My brother - my last remaining sibling - died just before Thanksgiving. A lifelong smoker, his decline was slow but steady, and as a physician, I watched his decline over the past few years and knew very well the pattern - glide down, then crash and burn.
After retirement I had kept my medical license current - through the myriad of courses required to maintain licensure - quite a task! When asked why, I always responded that it was so I could protect my family and friends from my colleagues, not completely said in jest. Numerous times judicious "doctor-to-doctor" phone calls lit up the wires, and with maybe a little help from He Who Cannot Be Named these days, brother Bob staggered forward to the next crisis.
Death, of course, is not the enemy; it comes to us all, but the greatest lesson I learned in forty years of practice was that it is loss of dignity that is old people's greatest fear. As I watched his heart struggle to pump blood through his burned-out lungs - eventually failing - I made certain that his dignity was maintained; I fielded many late-night calls from his children - one of whom, to her everlasting credit, left her home every evening to cook him supper, checked on him, carried him to doctors' appointments, but always maintained his dignity.
It will be a sad Christmas this year, but as I've watched my family shrink - six deaths now; I'm the last leaf on the tree - there have been many other sad holidays, but a short note from my niece made it a little better: "Uncle Jim, I can't thank you enough for your advice and counsel over the years with Dad. He loved you so much. I don't know what we would have done without you."
Yes, Darling, I loved him, too. But I also carried a burden you never saw - that of being the man of the family - the "patriarch," to quote the feminists - who stayed calm and carried on. Not a job I ever wanted, but that's what men do - when a job falls to him, he simply does it. Just be glad you had daughters.
Indeed James, you have been that structure that quietly braces and supports. Thanks for posting this. It is something that is often missed and overlooked. Well done.
And most importantly...the purpose of the holiday...the reasons for its existence was the birth of God who chose to come to Earth...as a MAN...not as a woman.
So true and so forgotten.
💯 and well said. Men don't need drama, or to be the center of attention. Most men are uncomfortable with such and don't want it.
All we require is a little peace and quiet. Perhaps somekind of acknowledgement, and respect for our supporting role and contribution, which is true all year round, not just at Christmas and other occasions. Not that many of us get it. Merry Christmas may God bless, guide and protect you all.
Exactly.
I was on a new podcast called "Monogamish," in which we closed with a discussion on how feminism 'rekt" Christmas. After my dad passed away in 1982, that was the end of our family. I was 21 years old. It's so true that his presence held the family together in ways that wouldn't be apparent until he was gone. My mother moved away, one sibling became a Jehovah's Witness, one's got serious issues -- and mom didn't bother holding it together either. In other words, chaos ensued where there used to be order.
I can probably count on one hand how many times I've celebrated Christmas (thanks feminism! since 1982...)
Death of a father when we are young is a very difficult loss. A book was written about this years ago by Maxine Harris titled "The Loss that is Forever." Sadly true title.
>"When I worked as a therapist with the bereaved, I saw this again and again after a father’s death. Families would describe a subtle shift — not just grief, but a loss of containment. Without dad, things felt looser, more chaotic, less certain. The house might look the same, but the emotional gravity had changed. What they were missing was that quiet, stabilizing force men bring — the invisible boundary that holds the family together without needing to be named."
That is exactly how I feel about what happened when my father died.
Thanks for wording this so elegantly
This is incredibly beautiful, and mostly true. That’s not a ding on men; the female archetype is also incredibly beautiful, and mostly true.
Thank you Tom for your hard work and perseverance. Merry Christmas!
Thank you Karen, Merry Christmas!
They pay for it. They are Santa.
Yes, you get it. Thanks for writing about it. Nobody misses us till we are gone.
Sad but true....
Beautiful and moving, Tom, a splendid Christmas gift to your readers. Thank you for it and for a year of exciting and encouraging--and brave--writing. Merry Christmas!
Thank you Allen. I do appreciate your presence here and have also enjoyed your substack. It has opened my eyes to a number of things about masculinity and also about literature. Merry Christmas!
Men tend to be extremists. They either bring calm and charm to Christmas or chaos and confusion. In either role they are essential. Forget the comic or not so comic overbearing drunken Father, they are generally a rare species. What I have found is that your first Christmas without your important male family member is so very hard. Husbands, fathers, brothers, uncles and just male family/friends. There are huge holes where we expect them to be. Cherish your men whilst you have them. I made a joke in the supermarket the other day when an elderly lady was struggling with a mountain of Shopping “You need a man” I said and several ladies nearby said. “We all need one at the moment” It’s not always the big things that men bring simply by being there but the less noticed things like the help and care that we women take so easily for granted.
What percent of men do you think bring chaos vs those who bring calm? Your sentence seems to imply that a good portion of men are extremists? Is that what you meant?
Couldn't we also say that "Women tend to be extremists, some bring love and nurturing and others bring chaos and abrasive judgment." ?? I bet that wouldn't fly well for most people....
Agree wholeheartedly with the rest of the post!
This was a fantastic laugh this holiday, thank you so much! Cooking, decorating and gift purchasing. But please father bring us that required firewood everyone needs.
I hope this is alright here Tom.
Hello
In her Substack here: https://bettinaarndt.substack.com/p/falsely-accused-police
Bettina Arndt mentioned “He’s part of an organisation called Kilo4Delta which has ambitious plans for change, including a malicious prosecution class action” an email was sent out by Lucas Cattell and we have 23 days left to sign these petitions. It says that you must be an Australian citizen or Resident.
🔴 APPROVED FEDERAL PETITIONS — OPEN NOW
1️⃣ Stop Suicide-Causing Abuse
Calling for national laws to address prolonged psychological abuse that foreseeably leads to suicide or self-harm.
✍️ Sign: https://www.aph.gov.au/e-petitions/petition/EN8820
📣 Share: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1CuHwgqjyF/
2️⃣ Stop Federal Systems Abuse
Addressing the weaponisation of courts, digital reporting systems, and federal processes to harass and coerce.
✍️ Sign: https://www.aph.gov.au/e-petitions/petition/EN8819
📣 Share: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/15Qv9nfPR6u/
3️⃣ Parental Alienation Is Child Abuse
Calling for parental alienation to be formally recognised in law as psychological child abuse.
✍️ Sign: https://www.aph.gov.au/e-petitions/petition/EN8818
📣 Share: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1C3tteu5vE/
4️⃣ False Allegations Destroy Lives
Addressing knowingly false allegations that cause serious psychological, financial, and reputational harm.
✍️ Sign: https://www.aph.gov.au/e-petitions/petition/EN8817
📣 Share: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1ATVsSGciN/
5️⃣ Protect Children — Stop Malicious Child-Withholding
Calling for national laws to address malicious child-withholding and interstate parental abduction within Australia.
✍️ Sign: https://www.aph.gov.au/e-petitions/petition/EN8816
📣 Share: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/16gvgcer8n/
6️⃣ National Suicide Review — Expose Systemic Failures
Calling for a national review of suicides to identify verified contributing factors and systemic failures.
✍️ Sign: https://www.aph.gov.au/e-petitions/petition/EN8812
📣 Share: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1CzZKbw76h/
Merry Christmas