I've studied anthropology, and I'm convinced that we can learn a lot about being human by doing so. Your essay is interesting and possibly helpful. But studying the resources of foreign cultures, or even trying to incorporate these, is not a substitute for finding and incorporating more accessible ones.
You write that “In our own culture we have no such thing” as jobs to assign male mourners. But whose culture is “our own”? Yes, I know what you mean—you refer vaguely to the secular and extremely individualistic culture that now prevails—but you’ve lost an opportunity to explore the many subcultures within it.
I can speak only for the traditional Jewish subculture. Although it allows a period of mourning, it does ensure that all mourners are quickly re-integrated into the tasks of everyday life. Mourners are allowed one week to recover from the immediate trauma, not alone but with family and friends in the context of prescribed meals, prayers and rituals. At the end of thirty days, mourning is attenuated. At the end of eleven months, the inscribed tombstone is installed and mourning is over. Throughout this period, however, male mourners (and female ones in less traditional circles) are encouraged more urgently than they are at other times to study Torah with the community. That’s because the supremely important task of all male Jews, in any circumstances, is to study Torah. The goal is not only for mourners to reap emotional or therapeutic benefit by participating in a group activity but also the much more important goal for all men of experiencing holiness (and therefore joy). This is the ultimate context in which Jews live, one that both heals and fortifies.
I doubt that traditional Jews are alone among people other than “indigenous” ones. In fact, I suggest that the best way for Western societies to learn from tribal ones is to excavate Western religious traditions for functionally equivalent measures to cope with grief (or any other universal problem).
Yes, the Jewish traditions are great examples of using action to enter and release grief. But they don't give the stark sex breakdown of the indigenous people. Both men and women sit Shiva and both men and women say Kaddish. I think there are some parts in the Orthodox communities where the men are given specific roles. But this is very mild in comparison to the Ylongu and the Dagura who literally say that no woman can help a grieving man and and no man can help a grieving women! The excerpt lays out how the men and women are given very different tasks with the men being given active tasks and the women given a safe place to emote, constructed by the men. Men are given the authority over the entire ritual and creating the ritual space. In other groups across Africa the men did all sorts of activities from taking care of the body, digging the grave, building the container for the body etc. The women are not involved in those tasks, just men. Very different.
My hypothesis is with the industrial revolution, that took men out of the fields and into the mines and factories, lore was lost. So boys as they grew up did not get to learn the lore.
In the 19th Century, certain Psychiatrists visited various tribal natives and experienced their lore.
Totally agree. If you look at the rituals in the US in the 19th century you will find an abundance of actions that men could perform that gave them a similar experience to our friends from the Ylongu and Dagura. (the men dug the grave, built the casket, cared for the body etc) As the industrial revolution progress these rituals disappeared and left men fending for themselves.
This helps me to understand the role of funerals from my youth in Southern Kentucky. Sometimes the old men build their own caskets in preparation for their own death. Upon death the body is prepared for burial, placed in the casket, and displayed in the living room where the widow and children greave for days while friends and relatives visit. Then at the burial site the mourners gather for singing and often multiple preachers orate for hours until the burial, after which the crowd gathers for a community meal. On the anniversary of the death of particular noted individuals a memorial service is held at the burial site is held with mournful singing and many sermons given followed by a community meal again. The in house grieving, burial service, and subsequent memorials are accompanied by wailing and keening of the womenfolk, whereas the community meals take on a more celebratory nature. As a boy I was always befuddled by those doings. Now I see their function.
Great memories and glad the post helped in understanding. I loved that the men built their own caskets in prep for their death. Reminds me of a center for death and dying I worked at in the 80's and 90's where we sold the plans and the wood to do just that. The leader of our group encouraged people to build their own and then use them as coffee tables until needed. lol
A powerful reminder of what has been lost in dealing with loss, arguments which also remind us how out of touch we have become with the material, with touch itself. I've ordered the book.
Thanks Allen, I hope you find it useful. It was written in the late 1980's and early 90's just before I had found Warren Farrell's work. It's a good book to lay out the basics of grief in a way that men find helpful but it is early on in my understanding of men's issues.
Fascinating reading, especially the love and respect shown for both the departed and those left behind and also the understanding that men and women grieve differently.
Different, yes, to some extent (because Torah study is required only of men in traditional Jewish communities, not of women). But why better, which is what you imply?
I agree that every society should give both men and women distinctive functions. Otherwise, neither sex could have a healthy collective identity as men or women. The results would include envy and resentment. But I don't agree that these differences need to be all-pervasive or extreme. That, too, can lead to envy and resentment (let alone other cultural pathologies). Perhaps you are reacting to the opposite extreme that prevails here and now: a refusal to acknowledge even obviously innate differences between the sexes.
Fortunately, in my opinion as an outsider, most of the societies that anthropologists study are more prudent than the ones that you describe. In some cases, the difference amounts to not much more than assigning childcare to women and possession of sacred flutes to men (the latter function being considered not trivial but of vital importance to the community).
Robert Bly-ish stuff. Humans, like most animals, live via ritual. Most body processes are unconscious, relying wholly on ritual and habit to survive. Those processes extend to psycho-spiritual contexts, i.e., the acting out of rituals or rites.
I've studied anthropology, and I'm convinced that we can learn a lot about being human by doing so. Your essay is interesting and possibly helpful. But studying the resources of foreign cultures, or even trying to incorporate these, is not a substitute for finding and incorporating more accessible ones.
You write that “In our own culture we have no such thing” as jobs to assign male mourners. But whose culture is “our own”? Yes, I know what you mean—you refer vaguely to the secular and extremely individualistic culture that now prevails—but you’ve lost an opportunity to explore the many subcultures within it.
I can speak only for the traditional Jewish subculture. Although it allows a period of mourning, it does ensure that all mourners are quickly re-integrated into the tasks of everyday life. Mourners are allowed one week to recover from the immediate trauma, not alone but with family and friends in the context of prescribed meals, prayers and rituals. At the end of thirty days, mourning is attenuated. At the end of eleven months, the inscribed tombstone is installed and mourning is over. Throughout this period, however, male mourners (and female ones in less traditional circles) are encouraged more urgently than they are at other times to study Torah with the community. That’s because the supremely important task of all male Jews, in any circumstances, is to study Torah. The goal is not only for mourners to reap emotional or therapeutic benefit by participating in a group activity but also the much more important goal for all men of experiencing holiness (and therefore joy). This is the ultimate context in which Jews live, one that both heals and fortifies.
I doubt that traditional Jews are alone among people other than “indigenous” ones. In fact, I suggest that the best way for Western societies to learn from tribal ones is to excavate Western religious traditions for functionally equivalent measures to cope with grief (or any other universal problem).
Yes, the Jewish traditions are great examples of using action to enter and release grief. But they don't give the stark sex breakdown of the indigenous people. Both men and women sit Shiva and both men and women say Kaddish. I think there are some parts in the Orthodox communities where the men are given specific roles. But this is very mild in comparison to the Ylongu and the Dagura who literally say that no woman can help a grieving man and and no man can help a grieving women! The excerpt lays out how the men and women are given very different tasks with the men being given active tasks and the women given a safe place to emote, constructed by the men. Men are given the authority over the entire ritual and creating the ritual space. In other groups across Africa the men did all sorts of activities from taking care of the body, digging the grave, building the container for the body etc. The women are not involved in those tasks, just men. Very different.
Very sane.
My hypothesis is with the industrial revolution, that took men out of the fields and into the mines and factories, lore was lost. So boys as they grew up did not get to learn the lore.
In the 19th Century, certain Psychiatrists visited various tribal natives and experienced their lore.
Totally agree. If you look at the rituals in the US in the 19th century you will find an abundance of actions that men could perform that gave them a similar experience to our friends from the Ylongu and Dagura. (the men dug the grave, built the casket, cared for the body etc) As the industrial revolution progress these rituals disappeared and left men fending for themselves.
This helps me to understand the role of funerals from my youth in Southern Kentucky. Sometimes the old men build their own caskets in preparation for their own death. Upon death the body is prepared for burial, placed in the casket, and displayed in the living room where the widow and children greave for days while friends and relatives visit. Then at the burial site the mourners gather for singing and often multiple preachers orate for hours until the burial, after which the crowd gathers for a community meal. On the anniversary of the death of particular noted individuals a memorial service is held at the burial site is held with mournful singing and many sermons given followed by a community meal again. The in house grieving, burial service, and subsequent memorials are accompanied by wailing and keening of the womenfolk, whereas the community meals take on a more celebratory nature. As a boy I was always befuddled by those doings. Now I see their function.
Great memories and glad the post helped in understanding. I loved that the men built their own caskets in prep for their death. Reminds me of a center for death and dying I worked at in the 80's and 90's where we sold the plans and the wood to do just that. The leader of our group encouraged people to build their own and then use them as coffee tables until needed. lol
Bit too fatalistic and morbid for me. Don't have coffee tables anyway.
A powerful reminder of what has been lost in dealing with loss, arguments which also remind us how out of touch we have become with the material, with touch itself. I've ordered the book.
Thanks Allen, I hope you find it useful. It was written in the late 1980's and early 90's just before I had found Warren Farrell's work. It's a good book to lay out the basics of grief in a way that men find helpful but it is early on in my understanding of men's issues.
Fascinating reading, especially the love and respect shown for both the departed and those left behind and also the understanding that men and women grieve differently.
Thanks very much Lea. Yes, the communities were very tight and loving. I met a man from the Dagura people and really enjoyed him and his stories!
Different, yes, to some extent (because Torah study is required only of men in traditional Jewish communities, not of women). But why better, which is what you imply?
I agree that every society should give both men and women distinctive functions. Otherwise, neither sex could have a healthy collective identity as men or women. The results would include envy and resentment. But I don't agree that these differences need to be all-pervasive or extreme. That, too, can lead to envy and resentment (let alone other cultural pathologies). Perhaps you are reacting to the opposite extreme that prevails here and now: a refusal to acknowledge even obviously innate differences between the sexes.
Fortunately, in my opinion as an outsider, most of the societies that anthropologists study are more prudent than the ones that you describe. In some cases, the difference amounts to not much more than assigning childcare to women and possession of sacred flutes to men (the latter function being considered not trivial but of vital importance to the community).
Robert Bly-ish stuff. Humans, like most animals, live via ritual. Most body processes are unconscious, relying wholly on ritual and habit to survive. Those processes extend to psycho-spiritual contexts, i.e., the acting out of rituals or rites.