Thoughtful and helpful. Boys also can find themselves hearing their fathers accuse them of being like their mothers--as you say, a two-fold criticism of her and of the boy (and surely this happens as or more often with girls). For me, seeing the gap between my FOO and what I wanted for myself was, from an early age, helpful, very motivating. I knew I was going to have to work hard to get what I want. It took a while for me to drop my resentment of my background, but looking at some of my aunts and uncles, I realized that I was very far from the first one in the relation who wanted to do things differently. Thanks for a great discussion.
One thing I finally learned that allowed me to process my relationship with my mother is that abuse and neglect can be camouflaged as love and concern.
My mom is a narcissist and sees me as an extension of herself, especially in relation to how other people see me. She can be extremely manipulative in trying to make me into some kind of poster child for herself but I never saw it as abuse, and I doubt anyone else did either. I knew it made me extremely uncomfortable and I hated it--I even resisted it and objected--but she could almost always make me feel petty and ashamed enough to just give her what she wanted. Then she would be so sweetly appreciative that, to this day, gratitude and compliments make me uncomfortable and suspicious.
Sounds like you did some good work. Many times the actions of mothers can be more subtle and harder to define as abuse. i remember working with a number of men who remembered their mothers expecting them to confirm her beauty and would wear revealing clothing in order to get the desired response from the boy. They would walk around the house unclothed and this would put the boy in a very tough spot.
Thoughtful and helpful. Boys also can find themselves hearing their fathers accuse them of being like their mothers--as you say, a two-fold criticism of her and of the boy (and surely this happens as or more often with girls). For me, seeing the gap between my FOO and what I wanted for myself was, from an early age, helpful, very motivating. I knew I was going to have to work hard to get what I want. It took a while for me to drop my resentment of my background, but looking at some of my aunts and uncles, I realized that I was very far from the first one in the relation who wanted to do things differently. Thanks for a great discussion.
Thanks Allen. Glad you found it helpful.
One thing I finally learned that allowed me to process my relationship with my mother is that abuse and neglect can be camouflaged as love and concern.
My mom is a narcissist and sees me as an extension of herself, especially in relation to how other people see me. She can be extremely manipulative in trying to make me into some kind of poster child for herself but I never saw it as abuse, and I doubt anyone else did either. I knew it made me extremely uncomfortable and I hated it--I even resisted it and objected--but she could almost always make me feel petty and ashamed enough to just give her what she wanted. Then she would be so sweetly appreciative that, to this day, gratitude and compliments make me uncomfortable and suspicious.
Sounds like you did some good work. Many times the actions of mothers can be more subtle and harder to define as abuse. i remember working with a number of men who remembered their mothers expecting them to confirm her beauty and would wear revealing clothing in order to get the desired response from the boy. They would walk around the house unclothed and this would put the boy in a very tough spot.
Yeesh!!! It's always good to remember that, no matter what, someone's got it worse than you.
So true.